


Bloodshed

by Turner



Series: Nyctalopia [1]
Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: F/F, God Complex, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Instability, Murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-05-31
Packaged: 2018-11-07 06:57:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11053701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turner/pseuds/Turner
Summary: This is my first attempt at writing a fanfiction. In my opinion people who kill so many creatures must to have some form of mental illness or trauma, whether that was caused by the killing or already present before the killing (Because I couldn't imagine how I would feel being thrown in such a situation), and all of them deserve someone who helps them through it. I attempted to write a bit with that thought in mind.





	Bloodshed

Sara was standing in the shower. Washing the blood off of her face, off of her arms and off of her hands. The water in the drain had colored dark red, but none of the blood was her own. Today she reached her 100th kill, and yes, she kept track of them.

She thought about her first kill again, a man in his thirties. The bones in his hand cracked under her boot, he was coughing up blood from a strike she threw at him earlier. Her gun was at his head. "Please don't kill me. I have a wife and children to take care of!" He begged her and Sara just stared at him coldly. "You committed treason. A crime payed for only in blood." "I beg you, spare me! I had to do it." He started to wriggle out of Sara's hold. He wriggled left, right until a loud pang could be heard. She had shot him.

Most people gave her advice on how to deal with her first kill, told her how they felt, showed sympathy. Sara didn't need it though. She wasn't devastated, angry or sad. She felt like a god, like she could decide the fate of whoever crossed her path. She felt invincible. Sara wasn't stupid, she knew that normal people would be afraid in her shoes. They didn't understand their power, she thought. She was fascinated by the fact a human could end another human's life with so little effort. She wanted to be better at it, the best even.

She joined the peacekeepers, who promised her proper training, but it bored her. There was no killing, barely even any form of action. She left them, fuck them. She wasn't made to stand in the scorching sun not doing anything. 

That is when her father told her about the Andromeda Initiative. Sure, it was supposed to be peaceful, but everyone knew damn well some people were bound to die in this operation. No one would spot an 'accident' would they? When she finally got to Andromeda she found she didn't even need to fake an accident, there was enough to be killed, enough calls to make, enough souls to judge over. God, she felt so good again.

She lost control, greed and anger blurried her vision, even though she masked it well by playing the happy soldier. She fucking lost it. This was where she died, no, where she should have died, but her father traded his life for hers. Her world came crashing down. She was no god, if she was, she would have saved him. Her brother was in her coma, her parents dead. She was nothing. She thought she had power, but what good was it when she needed it?

She kept on her facade, her happy face, but she was broken inside. She entered the living room, it was 0100 o' clock. She could finally be herself. To her surprise she found the Science Officer sitting there, probably working on a report. "Hey Suvi." She tried to sound happy again but she was exhausted because of all the acting. Suvi heard the crack in Sara's voice and looked at her in concern. "Ryder? Are you okay?" Suvi placed her datapad on the table next to her and walked over to their new pathfinder who was now shaking. "Come, you should sit down, Sara." Suvi grabbed her hand and pulled Sara to a couch. She didn't bother to struggle, she wanted to act like she was okay, she really did, but she couldn't.

"I'm supposed to be the perfect soldier. I am the one who kills those who stand in our way. But what good is it when you can't protect the people you have to protect?! Why am I here instead of him?! He is the leader, I'm just the girl who does the dirty work!"

What started as Sara attempting to explain her mood turned into yelling. Suvi placed her hands on the pathfinders shoulder in a comforting, almost intimate manner. Sara leaned into the touch. Gods, how she missed being touched like this.

"You're not just a killer, Sara. You might see yourself that way but you are the one who protects us. You may not be able to save everyone, and that sucks, But it doesn't make you a killer. Everyone you killed, you killed for a purpose." Tears started to prick at Sara's eyes. "I have thought about it, you know. Just killing people to see how good I can get at it. Just experimenting. It's the reason I came here in the first place. I'm a monster. Thank you for trying to comfort me, Suvi, but I truly am a monster." 

Sara stared forward, blankly, running everything over in her head again and again. "Sara..." No response. "Sara?" Suvi tilted the young pathfinders head so that her gaze would meet Suvi's. "Everyone has thoughts. Everyone has their sins. What matters is how you change yourself. You have the chance to better yourself, be the pathfinder you are supposed to be instead of the twisted version of you that you think you are. But I can tell you, you aren't nearly as bad as you seem to think you are."

"I am that bad, Suvi. I murdered men with families, men I never knew. I got my father killed and now I am pathfinder while I don't have the slightest idea how all this works. I thought I was a god, someone who shaped the future, but I let myself get carried away. It wasn't supposed to be like this." "No, it wasn't. But you can shape the future. You can lead us to our new home. You can change, Sara. I can feel, no, I know you have a good heart." 

"Will you be there for me if I fail?" Sara's gaze on Suvi intensified. Suvi never expected this question, she didn't know the pathfinder that well, if Sara hadn't gone full panic mode she wouldn't even have suspected she was dealing with so much inner conflict. What Suvi did know about the new pathfinder is that she needed support now, more than ever. If she wanted Suvi to be the one to support her, she had no choice but to oblige. "Always." Sara leant closer to Suvi and kissed her on the lips, slowly and carefully as if she could be broken. Suvi wanted to return it, but she couldn't. Her feelings for the pathfinder at this moment were so intense, it clouded her mind. She was fascinated by this beautiful woman who would now lead the people to their new homes, and the fact she dared to open up to her so easily made the feelings go even deeper.

"Don't do this to me, Sara. Not unless..... You really mean it." "I mean it, Suvi. I need you. Please..." Suvi shushed her by pressing a finger to Ryder's lips. "I'm right here."

Did Sara mean it? At the time she wasn't sure. Suvi felt easy to open up to, familiar almost. She felt like she could tell Suvi she wanted to nuke a planet and she'd still have faith in her. They way Suvi comforted her made her weak in the knees and she just had to do something.

Sara snapped back to reality. She continued brushing the blood off of her arms. A small sad smile appeared on her face as she remembered that day that Suvi had comforted her. She really changed after that. She killed 100 men, yes, but could proudly say that she never executed anyone if it wasn't an absolute emergency. Suvi had pulled her away from the brink of madness, she would have lost it if it weren't for that amazing woman. She stepped out of the shower and dried her hair with a towel. She pulled on her underwear and her favorite hoodie and stepped into her quarters. Suvi was laying on their bed, reading a report. "Had a nice shower, love?" "The best." Sara went to lie down next to her lover and told SAM to turn off the lights. Suvi put away her datapad and rolled herself into the blankets. Sara put her arms around her waist and pressed a kiss to her forehead. She knew it now, deep down she had known it for a long time. "I love you." "I love you too."

**Author's Note:**

> I may write a new chapter going more indepth about Sara's inner conflict and the way Suvi helps her through it if people are up for it. I'm not the greatest writer, but I really enjoyed writing this.


End file.
